a flashback keeps knocking my knees unsteady age five, a ride to the city outskirts nothing standing by a shop an alley too steep, a leap of trust “i will buy you candy, don’t cry puffs” nothing i’m on the terrace, railing too high to jump, fall, or slip he is mingling, the oldest golden child i’m summoned — “namra, go meet him, you’re his favorite kind” a costly bargain to my therapist i bring my misery rolled into a ball too big for a fist she cradles my fears in theories and science the ball losing all rigidity in her sight i can’t paint you a picture, doc i can’t tell the face from the voice the wind was harsh the touch was rogue a needle pierced somewhere— the engine roared don’t worry, she says psychogenic amnesia, amygdala went wild no special cause you had a past just do not probe but where do i stand do i greet him without evidence of a crime i relive-but what? dreams— why have you foregone the beautiful woman, the poems, and i only to drag me back to the attic