why is it made so that when I again got this feeling to change even slightly just a bit I wanted to make it of course immediately then I started cursing myself hating what I never liked 'cause it let me live and do I really want that never said I did but I continued promised my little self to be consistent and this time make it big so not to give up keeping it up every day for over a month now again diving into my comfort zone I never let go always loyal to my plan sticking to the need to see the result I thought I wanted to expected to never meet finals eventually doing it with more ease doing otherwise feels like failing it's not what I meant thought I would already give up surprise, surprise getting closer to the primary goal which now seems a little old-fashioned not to risk more. but why does that look like I'm not going to be able to look in the mirror and look my achieved ambition in the eye mad at it more than I should the silent voice in my head persuading me to live stay among the society that made me fall for the feeling widely known as regular for people my age becoming an addiction I cannot get enough of meanwhile struggling losing the fight over life winning the one about fearing it more after every skipped meal why does that feel like a battle that keeps me alive through hope and dreams I believe I will fulfill after just some time so I'm gonna keep doing it hatred growing up inside me telling me to try harder sacrifice more through the pain in my chest my heart slightly vibrating fighting to beat just a few minutes more my bones as if weaker skin maybe tighter easy to break exposed to every nerve touch annoying are they suggesting it's too much still vision a little bit blurred [...]